Written while on tour, May 2006.

 “How we got stopped by German police in a service station”
A play in three parts by various members of 65daysofstatic.

Cast
Rob Jones: Gavin Rossdale (from Bush)
Simon Viking: John Malkovich
Paul Wolinski: James Stewart
Damo Fowkes: Carey Elwes (as the Dread Pirate Roberts)
Dave Holloway: Terry Thomas
John Caton: Christopher Eccleston
Joefro: Winona Ryder
Gut Polizei: Kevin Spacey
Nicht gut Polizei: Macauly Culkin
Drumming Polizei: Flea (from RHCP)
Various Polizei: as themselves

Scene 1: A layby just outside a petrol station between Hamburg and Munich. The sun is shining, birds are singing. A large splitter van pulls up.

Joe: Like, this yoghurt icecream is really nice. I shoplifted it.
John: Let’s have a fine cigarette before I go in search of my career.

They light cigarettes. Everyone gets out of the van to stretch their legs in the sunshine. A police car drives past.

Rob: Are they cruising us? (combs hair).
Dave; They’re coming back.
Damo: RRrrrrr! (like a pirate would).

The police car stops and two policmen get out.

Gut Polizei: Guten tag. You are english?
Nicht gut Polizei: WHERE ARE THE DRUGS?

Simon: We do not take drugs, officer.
Joe: No drugs here.
Paul: I don’t even smoke.
Rob: Been straight edge since I married Gwen (combs face).
John: Haven’t got drugs squire.
Gut Polizei: Open the van.
Damo: As you wish.
Dave: …(quietly sweats drugs and looks guilty.)

Gut Polizei: Where are your passports?
Joe: I left them on the mantelpiece. No…wait…they’re here in my pocket.
Rob: Look at me act! (combs Joe).
Gut Polizei: Gut. Aren’t you the guy from that band?
Nicht gut polizei: WHERE ARE THE DRUGS? YOU HAVE DRUGS? (puts on gloves and starts to go through a packet of smarties on the dashboard. Finds cigarettes) THESE ARE DRUGS!
John: No luv, they’re cigarettes.
Nicht Gut Polizei; CIGARETTES ARE DRUGS.
Dave: That’s entirely debatable.
Nicht gut polizei: OK! I SEE YOUR BAGS!
Simon: Just rucksacks or-
Nicht gut polizei: ALL BAGS! ALL THE BAGS! AND SCRABBLE GAMES ARE SUSPICIOUS ALSO!
Simon: Ok, whatever you say.
Gut Polizei: You drive from Holland? (winks).
Paul: No, from Italy.
Gut Polizei: I know you drive from Holland.
Paul: We drove from Italy.
Gut Polizei: OK.
Nicht gut polizei(into radio): THEY DRIVE FROM HOLLAND! SEARCH THEM! THEY HAVE DRUGS!

Scene 2: Same as scene 1, except with additional police van containg several more policemen, and a policewoman).

Gut Polizei: Ok, now we search you.
Dave: Ok (eats suspicious-flavoured crisps).
Nicht gut polizei: EVEN THE CRISPS ARE SUSPICIOUS. GET EVERYTHING OUT OF THE VAN NOW. COINS, PIECES OF PAPER, CDS, WALLETS, SOCKS, TOWELS, BOOKS, ALL ARE SUSPICOUS TO ME AND I WILL CONTINUE TO ASK YOU FOR THE NEXT TWENTY MINUTES IF ANY OF THESE OBJECTS ARE DRUGS IN CASE YOU DECIDE TO TELL ME THAT THEY ARE. (To Dave) EAT THE CRISPS! THEY ARE MAKING ME SUSPICIOUS!
Dave: (Inwardly) They’re suspiciously good.
(Paul and Joe proceed to empty the contents of the van onto the road).
Gut Polizei: Ok, me and him will now look in the van. Will we find drugs?
Collectively: No.

Meanwhile, behind the van, Rob is being searched….

Drumming Polizei: Place your hands against the van! Do you have any knives, guns, fake passports or…drugs?
Rob: No (combs hands).
Drumming Polizei: Keep your hands where I can see them. If you lie to me, I cut off your johnson.
Rob: My what?
Drumming Polizei: Your Johnson!
Rob: Ok.
Drmming. Polizei: What is this?
Rob: My wallet
Drmg. Polizei: And this?
Rob: It’s a photo of my girlfriend.
Drumming polizei: She has drugs?
Rob: No.
Drumming polizei: What is this?
Rob: It’s a peppermint.
Drumming polizei: A drugged peppermint?
Rob: No.
Drumming Polizei: So, you are the singer in the band?
Rob: No, the drummer.
Drumming polizei: I am drummer also. what kit do you play?
Rob: A Mapex v-series.
Drumming Polizei: Me also. I too have this kit.
Rob: No way. Are you any good?
Drumming Polizei: No. I am too busy being a policeman to practice enough. Are you good?
Rob: Yes.
Drumming Polizei: Do you take drugs?
Rob: Really, honestly, no. You’ve already asked me.
Drumming Polizei: I thought you might slip up now I’ve established a rapport. You may go in a moment. First i must see the undersides of both your feet, in case there are slim, foot shaped drugs hidden there.

Scene 3. The same.

Nicht gut polizei: (Searching everything frantically, including under the seats, inside sleeping bags, on the roof of the van, in nearby bins, even patting down a passing cat) DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS. THEY ARE HIDING DRUGS.
Joe: Would you like to see inside the large, as yet unopened back part of the van which is full of suitcases and equipment, and is essentially an excellent place to hide kilos upon kilos of drugs?
Gut Polizei: No. To be honest, it’s getting a bit hot out here, and I’m hungry. We’ll probably go now. Even though we’ve only searched five of you, and the other two could feasibly be carrying bags and bags of drugs, I’m very quickly going to lose interest in finding any kind of drugs, right now, for no reason whatsoever. Here are your papers. You may go. Drive safely, and guys?
All: Yes?
Gut Polizei: Have a great show tonight.
All: OK!
The police leave.

Joe: That was almost as crazy as when I starred in ‘Girl, Interrupted’.
Simon; I’m hungry again.
John: We’d better go if we’re going to make Naples.
Damo: We be in Germany, John. RRRRrrrrrr!
Paul: It’s over a THOUSAND MILES to Munich.
Dave: Kid, it’s a thousand miles to anywhere out here in the desert. (Places flying goggles on face).

They fly off leaving a trail of dust.

THE END